This is what David Coleman iterated and reiterated, making sure we knew exactly where to stop and where to begin. Where to mellow, where to reside, where to be, and stay, and content ourselves with. Attracting a mate is an incredibly complicated game, where perfection of near everything must be entirely in sync, all things must work together and function properly and one failure in any one particular area will result in the failure of all other areas thusly. If you're ever watching Animal Planet and thinking how funny it is that birds will waltz in front of a mate in order to prove themselves to them - well, just think, that is precisely what you as a human being is doing, just an obviously much more complicated and yet subtle version of it all.
If you’re confused: David Coleman is the guy the movie Hitch is based upon – which is a movie starring Will Smith, who portrays a guy known for a gift for the girls. He knows what to say. He knows when to smile. He knows the lines between creepy and sensitive, cocky and confident, funny and boring – adjective and adjective, it’s all a balancing act, and it’s all something he’s so wildly good at that he got a movie based upon himself. And with that, he came to CMC to give us a two-hour lecture or so on the art of love making. Or getting there, at least. The naughty stuff only existed in my imagination, and my impatience at the presentation for not getting there soon enough – and then never telling me how. This was even more infuriating than watching Avatar and not being granted a single nudie-scene. Ten years in the making and not even a slip?
I'm not impressed.
Jokes aside, David Coleman had some pretty good advice – which I had a hard time applying to my own life, but I’m sure some of the more sexually-industrious members of our audience got a good thrill out of. No kidding – the guy knew exactly what he was doing and saying.
David Coleman speaking to an auditorium... not CMC's, this is just some stock photo.
What was funny though is that he looked absolutely nothing like Will Smith. D This version of Will Smith was much more mellower than the real Will Smith. It should also be noted that as far as race goes, the casting team at Columbia Pictures got it horribly, horribly wrong.
Here's some of the advice Coleman gave us that I can remember off the top of my head:
DID YOU KNOW?
1. Men are at their sexual prime during the ages of 18-35. Women don’t start being really interested in the whole thing until the age of 26 and until something like the age 45 (Apologies to David Coleman if I’ve gotten this wrong). Meaning the whole mythology behind the desperate housewife is not a myth, but a scientifically proven fact. Meaning I am spending my afternoons in Whole Foods from now on. “Do you like……organics?”
2. In a relationship, the person who does not care is in control. Ironic at first, but the more you think about it, the more it makes sense: the person who is constantly trying to please is the one who is the subject of the other person. You can think there’s mutual love, but one mate is always going to be a little less interested in the relationship than the other. How to win? Stop being interested. That isn’t something what Coleman said, it’s just my advice. Take it from me to know relationships.
3. There’s no such thing as a good pick-up line, only bad ones. The best way to initiate conversation is to actually converse.
Choke-holds are a good way to control the relationship.
While typing this I went back through my dirty laundry (Yes, simultaneously) and found these flyers Coleman provided us with - I’ll list off some of it’s heeds:
The 5-Stages of a Relationship
Infatuation – Discovery- Reality – Decision – Commitment
(Meaning if you have a horrible personality akin to mine, drop out of the relationship when anything remotely close to reality hits.)
The ABC’s of Initial Interest!
Attraction – Believability (“Are you…a real person?”) – Chemistry – Desire
The 5 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
Trust – Respect – Intimacy – Passion – Commitment
The Difficulties of Long Distance Relationships
- People force communication to occur every day and ultimately smother each other.
- Couples run out things to say, things get uncomfortable.
- Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, proximity does.
- Another “Hmm” surfaces close to home.
- You forget how wonderful they are and what they fell for in the first place.
There was plenty of other things he had to say, and I truly felt as if none of it was really all too cliché. But then again, the truth is: You’re either attracted to someone, or you’re not. There are ways you can improve your chances, and this is what David was mostly for and I personally think he did a fine job of informing us as to what those things were. But if someone doesn’t like you – look, they don’t like you. Quit beating a wet horse, or whatever the saying is. Oh God, I just read that.
Unfortunately, as the presentation closed (Thanks to PEAK, which is a…physical fitness club we have here at CMC? I think so. ) Coleman failed to elaborate on the stuff that really mattered... meaning I'll have to renew my subscription to this:
Kristen Bell informs us what to do when our boobs begin speaking.
How do I - how do I end this? Do I just keep making bad jokes? Here, I'll just express my thanks: Thanks David Coleman, for giving our small school a pretty handy talk on the thing most of our lives center around, and thanks to everyone else who brought him in. Apparently we have a mentalist (????) coming in in a week, so if CMC keeps up with these pseudo-entertaining things to do during the nights, then I'll finally have stuff to write about - maybe it's because it's just begun, but personally I think second semester is shaping out to be the much better semester of my year here. Personally. So once again, I bid you cyber-adieu...gracias por tu tiempo.
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